Monday, October 6, 2008

Oh Barnacles

The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. ;)

The Little Hygienist sleepily walked into her operatory and wiggled her mouse in order to view the day's schedule. Eight o'clock, nine o'clock, yep.....wait. Her ten o'clock patient caused her to stop quickly in her tracks...and cry just a little. No! Not him! Has it really been six months? Really? Why me? I thought the hygienists were suppose to take turns with crazy patients? Uggh....

Yes, it had been six months since Vernon had come into the office - and yes, he was (for the third time) on her schedule again.

But why, you ask, did the Little Hygienist dislike Vernon? Who wouldn't like a little old sweater-vest wearing ninety year old man who takes Viagra. that what I just typed?
Yes. Viagra.

The Little Hygienist remembered the first time Vernon was on her schedule and everyone in the morning huddle giggled, snickered, and advised her to "watch out." She re-read his medical history and there it is - Viagra. Now, why would a ninety-something year old man be in need of Viagra?
That was a rhetorical question - no need for an answer.

"Vernon?" The Little Hygienist said with a gulp, as the white-haired man left his conversation with the fifty year old woman. He grabbed his two canes and began to shuffle his way toward her.

"Excuse me, beautiful lady [to the 50 year old lady he was sitting next to]. Scrunch your beautiful toes in so the old man won't step on them as he goes by!" Vernon said.
"'s already started." The Little Hygienist said as she shivered and tried to look away.

"Hello, Sarah. How are you, beautiful?" Vernon said.
Eww! Eww! He remembered my name. Oh, wait it's written on my chest. EWW EWW!! Even worse!!
"Good, Vernon, and you?"
"Well....." he said. He then explained that he had lost his "lady friend" in the spring and had become quite "depressed and despondent." [Hold your "awwww"] Then, he began to tell the Little Hygienist about how 12-15 years ago, he had dated a married woman and she was his "lady friend." Since then, however, he husband passed away and she was interested in him again. A mutual friend of theirs came to Vernon and said that Mrs. X was interested in his "companionship" once again.

"So, I went to her and said, 'Are you ready to be my woman again?'"
"I want to be your woman," Mrs. X said.
Double Yuck.
Then, Vernon proceeded to tell me that not only did Mrs. X want his companionship, but also his financial companionship. You see, Mrs. X is younger that Vernon. She is a nurse and has a young granddaughter she is raising.

Mrs. X!? I mean really!

Note: this was all before the Little Hygienist could even lean the chair back to clean his teeth.

When she finally was able to, she leaned the chair back and noticed his hearing aids that had a particularly odd attachment. They had antennas! They looked like they could pick up satellite radio! At first, she thought they were just really thick ear hairs. Yuck.
Then she noticed his little sweater vest and thought that he would be a much cuter old man had he not told her how pretty she was twelve times the last cleaning appointment.

Then she noticed Vernon's shoes......they caught her eye and seemed somewhat familiar. Yes, very familiar. His were faded and roughened up a bit, but yes........the Little Hygienist had the same pair!!

Now, don't fret. They were lake-shoes. You know, the $4 mesh shoes from Wal-Mart that you wear in the lake so you don't have to touch the rocks? I know. I know, it's still weird.

"Is this the direction in which I am headed?" The Little Hygienist thought? "Viagra and sweater-vests?" God help me if I am.

So, as the Little Hygienist began cleaning his teeth, he asked if there were many "barnacles" on his teeth.
Aren't barnacles from Pirates of the Caribbean? Oh, he meant plaque buildup. Yes, lost of Barnacles, Vernon. The little hygienist picked up her sharpest instrument and the suction, closed her eyes and went to town. A few minutes (forty) later, he was all clean. Well, his head was still in the gutter, but his teeth were shiny! :)

At the end of the appointment, she helped Vernon set up his next cleaning appointment. And somehow, her schedule was full the rest of the year. Hm.....sorry fellow hygienists!! Muahhhhhh!!!


Hannah Noel said...

First: YOU will never become a little old man who wears nasty old lake shoes and have to take Viagra ;)-- remember? You are not a man. No mandiseases, no viagra. Nasty old lake shoes? Yes. But, no viagra.

Second: If you CLOSE YOUR EYES to work on people's mouths, you can FORGET About ever working in my mouth again!

The Great Quiram Adventure said...

I'm with Hannah. No closing the eyes. Second, she's right you will never be a man or have man diseases or man pill needs.

Hannah Noel said...

Yay for a new layout!!!!! :D

Hannah Noel said...

I gave you an award!!

that [engaged] girl

Anonymous said...

The three ED medications currently available in the market i.e. the Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis are all the same in terms of working and side effects. The most common side effects are headaches and facial flushing, which occur in 15% of men.