Monday, October 6, 2008

Oh Barnacles

The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. ;)

The Little Hygienist sleepily walked into her operatory and wiggled her mouse in order to view the day's schedule. Eight o'clock, nine o'clock, yep.....wait. Her ten o'clock patient caused her to stop quickly in her tracks...and cry just a little. No! Not him! Has it really been six months? Really? Why me? I thought the hygienists were suppose to take turns with crazy patients? Uggh....

Yes, it had been six months since Vernon had come into the office - and yes, he was (for the third time) on her schedule again.

But why, you ask, did the Little Hygienist dislike Vernon? Who wouldn't like a little old sweater-vest wearing ninety year old man who takes Viagra. that what I just typed?
Yes. Viagra.

The Little Hygienist remembered the first time Vernon was on her schedule and everyone in the morning huddle giggled, snickered, and advised her to "watch out." She re-read his medical history and there it is - Viagra. Now, why would a ninety-something year old man be in need of Viagra?
That was a rhetorical question - no need for an answer.

"Vernon?" The Little Hygienist said with a gulp, as the white-haired man left his conversation with the fifty year old woman. He grabbed his two canes and began to shuffle his way toward her.

"Excuse me, beautiful lady [to the 50 year old lady he was sitting next to]. Scrunch your beautiful toes in so the old man won't step on them as he goes by!" Vernon said.
"'s already started." The Little Hygienist said as she shivered and tried to look away.

"Hello, Sarah. How are you, beautiful?" Vernon said.
Eww! Eww! He remembered my name. Oh, wait it's written on my chest. EWW EWW!! Even worse!!
"Good, Vernon, and you?"
"Well....." he said. He then explained that he had lost his "lady friend" in the spring and had become quite "depressed and despondent." [Hold your "awwww"] Then, he began to tell the Little Hygienist about how 12-15 years ago, he had dated a married woman and she was his "lady friend." Since then, however, he husband passed away and she was interested in him again. A mutual friend of theirs came to Vernon and said that Mrs. X was interested in his "companionship" once again.

"So, I went to her and said, 'Are you ready to be my woman again?'"
"I want to be your woman," Mrs. X said.
Double Yuck.
Then, Vernon proceeded to tell me that not only did Mrs. X want his companionship, but also his financial companionship. You see, Mrs. X is younger that Vernon. She is a nurse and has a young granddaughter she is raising.

Mrs. X!? I mean really!

Note: this was all before the Little Hygienist could even lean the chair back to clean his teeth.

When she finally was able to, she leaned the chair back and noticed his hearing aids that had a particularly odd attachment. They had antennas! They looked like they could pick up satellite radio! At first, she thought they were just really thick ear hairs. Yuck.
Then she noticed his little sweater vest and thought that he would be a much cuter old man had he not told her how pretty she was twelve times the last cleaning appointment.

Then she noticed Vernon's shoes......they caught her eye and seemed somewhat familiar. Yes, very familiar. His were faded and roughened up a bit, but yes........the Little Hygienist had the same pair!!

Now, don't fret. They were lake-shoes. You know, the $4 mesh shoes from Wal-Mart that you wear in the lake so you don't have to touch the rocks? I know. I know, it's still weird.

"Is this the direction in which I am headed?" The Little Hygienist thought? "Viagra and sweater-vests?" God help me if I am.

So, as the Little Hygienist began cleaning his teeth, he asked if there were many "barnacles" on his teeth.
Aren't barnacles from Pirates of the Caribbean? Oh, he meant plaque buildup. Yes, lost of Barnacles, Vernon. The little hygienist picked up her sharpest instrument and the suction, closed her eyes and went to town. A few minutes (forty) later, he was all clean. Well, his head was still in the gutter, but his teeth were shiny! :)

At the end of the appointment, she helped Vernon set up his next cleaning appointment. And somehow, her schedule was full the rest of the year. Hm.....sorry fellow hygienists!! Muahhhhhh!!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Grocery List

As told in the previous post, I am now in a savings crunch! Given the option of eating out with the girls at work nearly every day OR saving money to be able to have a baby - I pick BABY! So, that means eating the cheapest things possible.

I am trying to keep my lunches under $2. TWO DOLLARS!? Think it's impossible, do you? Well, my friend, I have found the solution - - - -L U N C H A B L E S ! !

Lunch (at work) Grocery list:
Lunchables $1.00
Great Value "Dr. Thunder" (Who, I might add, is no comparison to the REAL Dr.) $1.25 for 6-pack.

I would like to note that I ate this lunch for THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT! I can no longer look at Lunchables without the urge to...well, lose my lunch. And I can't even look at crackers without flashbacks of the last three weeks!! And what about Dr. Pepper, you ask? Well, when I taste Dr. Pepper it reminds me how I hate Dr. Thunder which brings back memories of Lunchables......and you know where that leads.

So, for the last week or so, I have been enjoying (that's stretching it) canned foods. Yep, canned. Luckily, the cooler weather has allowed for soup lovers everywhere to start bringing soup and crackers to lunch! And most soup is UNDER A DOLLAR! WOOHOO!!

While I was meandering down the soup aisle the other day, I happened upon Chef Boyardee! I haven't had any of that since I was a kid!! But wait......It was over a dollar. Nope.

Continuing on down the isle, I noticed one of the little tin cans glistening at me. It was as if it were winking at me and saying, "Hey, look at me. I'm cheap, yet still have somewhat the same flavor as the Chef. Give me a try."

I tried to turn my cart around, but there was an older lady in one of those little scooters with the basket and she was taking up half of the isle trying to decide to get traditional cut or french cut green beans and she couldn't decide, so she got her husband, Frank, to pick them both up and decide which cut of beans were bigger because she likes bigger beans and she couldn't hear me very well when I said "Excuse me, ma'am," and I kept waiting and waiting and waiting and the can was winking at me and I was trying to squeeze past her basket, but then my jacket button got snagged on her scooter's basket and I was panicking trying to undo it before she pushed the "full steam ahead" button on the scooter because I didn't want to be dragged down the next isle by the scooter lady and her green bean-loving husband, Frank!!! (Gosh, the was the world's longest sentence. Rachel, it will be okay.)

Needless to say, she and Frank spent a lot of time down the canned food isle trying to decide which cut to buy, so I was given ample time to detach myself from her scooter just in time to pick up a can of Great Value mini ravioli as well as various other Great Value canned items.

So, that's my lunch-life. I sit at lunch eating my Great Value canned items while watching all the cool kids with their bagged lunches from the great world of fast food.

One thing I look forward to is being able to use this whole eating-for-less-than-two-dollars kick when I actually do get the prize at the end of this game. "Do you know what I did just so you could be on this planet?" I will say, "I ate Lunchables for a year! A year!"

Just Say NO To Fast Food